Sunday, 22 September 2013

Poem - Why Can't I Be Me

I look in the mirror
The face I see is not my own
There's a stranger looking back
Someone I have never known

She's a child of my parents
And she does as she is told
Her choices made my those around,
But her heart is dead and cold.

  Why can't I be me?
  Why can't I make my own choice?
  Why can't I be free
  From what I'm told I'm to be?
  Why can you not see
  That I have to find my own voice?
  Why can't I be me?
  Why can't I be me?

I glance in the mirror
And wonder who she is
And from the look in her eyes
I wonder if she lives

She kept my parents happy
While she killed my soul inside
She's strived to keep the peace
And my heart has slowly died.

  Why can't I be me?
  Why can't I make my own choice?
  Why can't I be free
  From what I'm told I'm to be?
  Why can you not see
  That I have to find my own voice?
  Why can't I be free?
  Why can't I be free?

I look in the mirror
And make a choice this day
The stranger looking back
Will have to go away

I'm sorry if my parents hurt
By my choosing to be me
But I have to do this now
Before I die completely.

I have to be me.

Poem - Illusion of Life

Pristine walls, sparkling floors
Smiling staff, white-washed doors
Shining lights, toys so clean
Yet in this place, not all is as it seems

The illusion of life
Hides such a death
No joy only strife
In this organized mess

So very neat, and just so tidy
So organized, don't you see
Not even one thing, put out of place
From the stars in the sky, to the smile on your face

The illusion of life
With the lack of a soul
No sign of the strife
That takes such a toll.

Thursday, 19 September 2013

Story - Magic Awakes - Part Three

  We slip out of the trees. The scent of water sweeps over me, carried on the breeze. Eric takes my hand and together we move toward the lake. The moment I step into the sun, I can feel warmth spread through me. As sunlight dances on my skin, heat seeps deep inside, curling in my gut. Eric's breath catches, and I know he is feeling it too.
  We step closer to the water, and the others fall in behind us. Kyra and Anthony step in front of us. Slipping barefoot into the water, excitement radiates off them. The water around them begins to move, pushing against their legs. Kyra reaching down, and the water surges higher, as if eager to welcome them. The breeze kicks up, wrapping around us.
  Nikki and Jake toss their heads back. Nikki's hair is streaming back, forming a halo behind her. Ryan drops to his knees in the mud at the lake's shore. He pulls Maegan down with him, and together they bury their hands in the soil. I can see pure bliss sweep over the others with us.
  Longing sweeps through me. Eric tightens his grip on my hand, and I know he feels the same longing I do. We turn our faces to the sun and bathe in the warmth. I can feel my skin absorbing the heat in the air. I can feel a smile play over my face as the heat intensifies. This is what I needed. Eric steps closer, sharing his warmth with e. The sun beats down on us, a brilliant radiance stirring the fire deep inside me.
  A searing heat engulfs my hand. I look down to see the flames dancing around our linked hands; I can feel the warmth of it, but it does't hurt. I smile to myself, remembering all the times I forgot to wear sunscreen but never burned. We stand there, at the edge of the lake, and time loses all meaning. Contentment sweeps through me as I stare at the fire playing over our skin.
  A sound pulls me from my daydream, a soft step as someone new approaches. As one, the eight of us turn to face the intruder. The stranger is tall, well built, and old. He's definitely fit, but his grey hair and wrinkled skin easily puts him in his eighties. He walks toward us, and I can feel the confidence in him. The stranger is strong, and he knows it. He stops a few feet away. Looking at each of us in turn, the old man smiles.I can feel myself relax, and I somehow know he is not a threat to us.
  "You're all here," the old man speaks, his voice is rough and weathered. "Good. I didn't expect you all to be here so soon." The wind whips around us, and the stranger closes his eyes and relaxes into it. After a moment, he opens his eyes and looks at us. I can feel his gaze linger on the flames still writhing around our hands. He looks quickly to Ryan and Maegan where they are standing anchored in the ground. Then he shifts his gaze to Kyra and Anthony and the water playing around their feet.
  He smiles again, his expression full of satisfaction. "It seems you've also found your giftings. Excellent. I can begin training you immediately, and you may even survive this time."
  Eric's head snaps up, and a ripple of shock courses through us all. "This time?" Eric asks. "What do you mean, 'this time'? Who exactly are you?"
  "Me? I'm simply the Guide. I'll teach you what you need to know to survive and help you to find your path. My name is Ishma'al. Now we must move, and quickly, before the mob arrives.Yes they are coming. Follow me now."

Sunday, 15 September 2013

Poem - Frailty of Words

We sit in total silence
I don't know what to tell you
I see that pain searing your eyes
But words fail me and break on the ground

Your heart is breaking apart
And there's nothing I can do
I see your world torn to pieces
But words fail me and strike the earth

Your tears flowing fast and free
My shoulder catches them all
Your eyes are lifeless and dim
Still words fail me and shatter on the ground

Your mind tears your heart to shreds
As what you want and need collide
Still you know I love you with all my heart
Even as words fail me and hit the earth

Poem - Twilight

A rising moon and setting sun
A shifting change, nearly done
Day retreats and fades to night
The mind awakes with loss of sight

Muted sounds, a hidden time
Bright and dark, the dusk of rhyme
The flowing change from day to night
The hope and fear of now's twilight

Colours fade as stars appear
Light to dark is now my cure
My hope is found in darkest night
This faded time holds me tight

In a world of black, I see no other
Greying shadows now my cover
My hope and peace I find in night
This darkness lends me all its might

Friday, 13 September 2013

Musing - Fear; failure and success

Dreams. Vision. Passion. Success.These are the things that drive us. They move us, give us something to strive for. We fight for them, to reach them. They linger, sometimes just out of sight, and sometimes well within reach.

There are so many things that can hold us back from following our passion. Lack of finances, opportunity or training. But among all the challenges we face, there is one that is simply the hardest to overcome. Fear. Fear holds us back in ways nothing else will.

Most of us are familiar with fear. One of the most common ways we see fear is a fear of failure. It tells us we aren't good enough to make it. We'll never be the best, never even be seen. Why bother trying when we'll just fall flat on our faces? There are countless books and movies that deal with this fear. They show people of all shapes, sizes, beliefs and colours all facing down their fear of failure and finding their dreams. They conquer their fear and achieve greatness.

But there's another fear. It's more subtle. It hides. It doesn't make sense, so we disregard it; so often we don't even realise how terrified we really are. it's the fear of success. Yes, you read that right. I know you're asking why anyone would possibly be afraid of success? Why would anyone fear achieving what they strive for, and dream of? I know you're asking, because I asked the same thing...right after I realised how very afraid I am of seeing my dreams come true.

I've spent the last year working on a novel. When I started writing it I was so excited, but the closer I got to the end, the harder it became. Completing my novel meant success, and that scared me. But I finally did it. And then I began revising. Editing wasn't hard either. Time consuming yes, but not hard. Yet, the closer I got to the end of each draft, the scarier it was. Now I was facing not only the completion of a novel, but the fact that I would be ready for readers.

I was so afraid. What if it was bad? What if no one liked it? What if it was so horrible that there was not salvaging it? Yes, I was afraid of all those things. But even more so< I was afraid of my story being amazing. I still am. Yes, I want it to be fantastic. I want to captivate my audience. I want everyone who reads it to fall in love with my book. I want to reach people, to move them, and to impact their lives.

I want that so badly. It's my dream, my passion to change people's lives with my stories. It's also my greatest fear. What happens when my book becomes a best seller (it if ever does)? What happens when someone tells me how it changed their life? So much is unknown. I know what failure feels like. It sucks. So does mediocrity. But as hard as they are, they are also very familiar. Success is an unknown.
The uncertainty is scary. But it's more than that. What if I'm never as good again? what if I disappoint those looking to me? What if I find success and it changes me? Wouldn't failure hurt that much more after reaching your goal? And where do you go when you've reached the top of the mountain, and there's no where left to climb.

You learn to fly. My first mountain was reaching "The End" of my story. After that, I had to learn to fly a little, so I could reach my goal of revising. There is always another goal to strive for, another dream to seek. And for me, I think there will always be that fear to conquer.

But along with these fears, there is one more thing I face. It's not quite a fear; more of a desperation. I can no longer stay where I am. I'm facing down my fears because I'm desperate for a change. I need to see a difference in who I am, and chancing this dream, pouring everything I am into it, will change me. Succeed or fail, I'm not on a journey. I will be someone different at the end, no matter what that end may be. I can assure you, it will be well outside my comfort zone.

What about you? What is your dream? What fears hold you back? How desperate are you to see a change in your life. Comment and share your story with me, or ask questions about mine.

Monday, 9 September 2013

Story - Magic Awakens - Part Two

  Eric drags me to my feet, and we start to run. We stick to the grass as much as possible. Rounding a corner, we see the city's oldest park. Grass stretches as far as the eye can see. There are rolling hills, huge trees, streams and even a lake. We wander through the park in awe, marveling in the softness of the grass beneath bare feet. It's not long before we find ourselves strolling along the ban of a crystal clear stream. Sunlight shimmers on the water's surface, and I can feel myself relax into the heat of the day.

  Eric takes my hand in his, and we stop to absorb the wonders around us. The stream laughs and sings as it plays among the rocks. I can smell the water, the plants, the life all around us. We follow the stream into a thicket of trees. The leaves are lit up and glowing, as if they have been kissed by lightening.

  My heartbeat drums in my ears, and my pulse thunders. I know the others are nearby. I can feel them moving through the trees. Between one step and the next, we move from dense forest to an open clearing. I can see the others moving into the clearing in pairs. On the far side of the clearing is the park's lake. Deep and clear, it gleams a deep, rich blue.

  I look around at the others, and I know we are family. I know we are stronger together, that simply being near each other will strengthen us all. We're going to be needing that strength and courage, if we are to have any hope of doing what's needed.

  Eric is still holding my hand, and I look around. There are four others here. I know them, the way I know Eric. I have always know them, even thought we have never laid eyes on each other before today. I see NIkki and Jake, both seem to hold the wind in their hands. Both are pale, with white blond hair and the lightest of blue eyes. Near them are Maegan and Ryan. I can feel the earth welcoming them. With hair as rich a brown as the soil beneath their feet, they truly seem to belong to the Earth.

  I turn to my right, expecting to see another pair. Kyra and Anthony should be here. I can feel my confusion spread through the others. Something is wrong. They should be here. We need them.I hold tight to Eric, and together we move in the direction they should be. We aren't complete without them. We won't be able to accomplish what we need to without them.

  I glance behind me, and as I expected, I see the other four following us. Instinct is screaming at me. I know Kyra and Anthony are in trouble. We have to find them. Racing through the trees, I lead the others to the far side of the park. Moving out from under the trees, we move quickly over the rolling hills. We stop short of the street on the far side of the park.

  In a small valley, just out of sight of the road, there's a crowd gathered.I can feel the anger in the mob, and I can see Kyra and Anthony surrounded by them. The two of them are standing back to back, and somehow I know the crowd's anger is directed at our missing pair.

  As one, we move through the crowd. I can feel them staring at us as we weave between the angry bodies. We step into the centre of the ring and quickly move around the pair we'd been missing. Without a word, Kyra takes my free hand, and one by one, our group takes hold of each other. We're finally together. Now if we can only make it past the crowd and back into the shelter of the trees.

  I have Kyra on my right and Eric on my left. Our circle closes as Maegan takes Eric's hand on my other side. A charge sweeps through me. I can feel it; heat flows out of my right hand.I can feel it flowing through me. Moments later I feel a solidness slip into me. I feel the ground beneath my feet, firm and reassuring. That strength winds its way into me; anchoring me to the ground. A breeze flows over me, teasing my hair. I feel light. If not for the solidness of the earth beneath my feet, I fear I would float away. Rain begins to fall from a clear sky. Cool and refreshing, I feel alive. Heat sweeps back into me from my left hand, from Eric.

  I can feel the power in the air, in all of us. The mob surrounding us feels it too. I can see unease move through them. The crowd gets restless, and I know we need to take advantage of their hesitation. I take a single step toward the trees and the mob in front of me backs away. As a single unit, we walk together. The crowd parts; I can taste the fear coming off them. We walk through them, and they fade from in front of us like mist. In moments we are back under the shelter of the trees. I can feel the life here. We pause for a moment, and we all breathe deep. Then we head for the lake. We need to be there. We were all drawn there for a reason. It's where we belong. There's something there that we need.